“Have you considered that God has allowed this into your life so that you would come to this point in time to fulfill your purpose?”
Answer: Yes. This is something that came to my mind awhile back. For the past few years I’ve been wondering, or was it still complaining, to God about why He changed His will for my life, in mid-stream, as it were. It just didn’t seem fair, somehow. So, I cried out to God (it’s ok, He’s used to it.) “Lord! My calling was to be a wife and mother, and now I’m neither! Why, Lord! Why!” I think it’s only fair to want to know why God changed His mind at this point in my life. Truth is….God did not change His mind. Some ministers preach a ‘circumstancial’ will for your life. Like if God’s original plan for your life fails, He’s got an alternate to fall back on. I don’t grock on that. God knew all along how we’d screw up at any given time, there is no need for Him to have a Plan B for His kids. So, His will for my life must be unchanged, which means it is the same as it always was. God did not change His mind, or break covenant with me. I did not change my mind, or break covenant with God, or my husband. It was my husband who broke covenant with God, and with me. Truth is, he will bear the burden for what he has done. [I Tim. 5:8]
That leads me to my second issue, which hasn’t been addressed as yet in this endeavor to blog. I am also called to ‘stand in the gap’ for my husband. To present myself….standing between God, and my wayward mate, that God would not destroy him, but rescue him and bring him back into living a life of obedience and trust in the Lord. I have plaintively cried out to God, on two separate occasions, offering to lay down my life for my husband, if God would only bring Terry back into His arms and to a life of obedience to his God. I’m still here, so though I’m sure God appreciates the sincerity and depth of not only my love for Him, but for my husband, apparently He has another resolution in mind. You see, this being a Stander has nothing to do with being selfish. On the contrary, it’s by far….a complete opposite.
Long ago, God brought me to a point where I was praying for the salvation of my husband from his current path of sin, which leads to death, spiritual if not physical, so that Terry would be restored to being the Christian man of God that the Lord always intended him to be….even….now pay attention here….even if it meant that he never came home to me. I do feel that once God and Terry finish battling for control of his life, and figuring out who’s really in control….then Terry would come back home again. That getting right with God, would automatically mean he would thereby choose to right the wrongs, and come home where he belongs. But, along the way….God brought me to another point of surrender….and I surrendered Terry to Him, even if I never, ever saw him again, this side of Heaven.
So, long story short….which I’m pretty sure that ship has sunk by now, but….I’m a Stander for the restoration of my marriage, and I also ‘stand in the gap’ for my husband. I also ‘stand in the gap’ for my child. I’m blessed with having two prodigals in my life, and God would never have allowed that to happen if He didn’t already know that I could handle it through the power of His love, guidance, faithfulness, and mercy.
“Have your considered that you just might be the only one praying for your wayward Spouse — and it just might be the ‘last chance’ they have before they step foot into eternity?”
Answer: In short, yes. This reality hit my ages ago. No one…..no….one on this earth can pray for Terry with the heart that I can. I am the only person on this planet that knows him like I know him, that has been through 34 years of marriage with him, through all the ups and downs, all the tears, all the laughter. No one else shares with him a One-Flesh Covenant Marriage. No doubt he has a lot of friends and family who care about him and pray for him. But no one was his mate, his wife, for all those years, but me. One part of our vows was: “I love you with a love….” unlike any other, should complete that line.
I cannot begin to tell you how many people, men and women alike, have told me how ridiculous I am to ‘stand’ for a man that betrayed and abandoned, indeed disavowed, his wife (and child.) Another untold group also commends me for my faith. They are amazed at my stand. I’ve been told I’m an inspiration. I’ve been told by another that they “applaud my faith”. I do not do this for me. My boast is in the Lord. It is only because of Him that I have the strength to stand in the gap, stand for restoration, and at one particular moment of surrender, even the physical strength to simply stand up came from Him for I no longer could rise to my feet, the strength wasn’t there. I was done. That moment came back in late 2007.
I was spent. Tired. Mourning the loss of my mate, yet there had been no death. Grieving. The anger…gone for a moment….I was done. On my knees that night, beside my bed, I poured out my heart before God. I surrendered my will (not for the last time)….and I surrendered even more….my husband. I lovingly placed him at the cross. “Lord, take us and make us what You want. Even if I never see Terry again.” Oh, how the tears flowed, I wanted to see him again, my heart broke, again. But, that night, I gave him up. To God. I gave myself up. To God. I still remember that night. It is etched in my soul till time ends. The remembrance of it still brings tears. Oh, how I love my God. Oh, how I love my husband. I love him enough to surrender my will, my wants, my needs, my life, my all…to my Heavenly Father that His will would be done, and not my own.
It was the beginning of healing.
Another time comes to mind, in 2009, I believe. It was the night I forgave my mate wholly and completely. Humbly and genuinely. It was yet another in what is becoming quite a list of Moments with God, that I shall never forget. I had just finished reading “Total Forgiveness” by R. T. Kendall, and it was quite a read to be sure, and I highly recommend it. It touched my heart, indeed God touched my heart yet again. Forgiving my mate was something I needed to do not only for him, but more so for me. I remember it like it was yesterday. Night-time, on my knees beside my bed, praying and the tears came, in quiet moments with God there is something un-expressable that happens. Two hearts communicating…..beating as together, but only because the One loved and sought me out, first. I prayed for my missing mate, a prayer of heart-felt forgiveness, and then asked that the Lord bless his life, even now with someone else, and married….so lost….so lost….trying to find a wholeness that only be found in the Lord, and I asked the Lord to bless Terry’s life with ‘love, joy, peace and contentment’. In Jesus Name, Amen. And I looked up into my Lords’ eyes and the tears came in earnest now. “Jesus,” I gasped, “I’m more like you now.” And I wept. Tears of joy, tears of growth in my God. He smiled. Yes Lord.
As a side-note…and because I still have a sense of humor, course I didn’t come up with this on my own, God led me to it like a thirsty deer to a full watering hole. I’d like to add that it wasn’t until many months later that I would come to realize that my spouse would never be able to experience the ‘love, joy, peace and contentment’ that I had prayed upon him that night while he’s living outside the will of God. Seriously folks, the prayer still stands, and in Gods timing, He will bless Terrys life with abundant: Love. Joy. Peace. And…Contentment. The day is coming. He deserves it. It will come. Yes Lord.