8/1/11 Well, its August. Not a month that I prefer, living here in the desert. But it’s not only a matter of sunshine, heat, and humidity. It’s that my Dad passed away on August 1, 1999. My beloved husband and I had a quiet ‘heart to heart’ on August 1, 2006, wherein he told me he wanted to ‘dissolve our marriage’.
He never would use the term: divorce. Guess dissolve sounds less messy. In the same way Pro-Life sounds better than Pro-Abortion. Just change the term to make yourself feel better. Goodness knows we don’t want to face the truth and feel……….guilty, now do we.
August 15, 2007…..He walked away. Hugged and kissed me goodbye went to work and never came home again. I never saw my husband of 33 yrs again. Later that day, he sent me an email declaring his new independence (truly surrendering to satans bidding), and left me for dead. Choosing the worlds way, over Gods way. When it came to the divorce, all he had to do was plead ‘financial hardship’ and the courts allowed him to ‘phone in’ his divorce from his new living room 2,000 miles away. I had to appear in court, driving 120 miles, round-trip through desolate desert….seven times, but he never had to appear once. It’s all a game to him. A game of Make Believe. Because, its been said, I’ve been told any number of times, that he was far too much of a coward to have to look me in the eye and face the ‘wife of his youth’, whom he betrayed and abandoned. There was no closure. I only just wanted to see him one more time. I just wanted to see my husband….one…more…time.
I never got to.
Looking back, though the sword was sharp and cut deeply, it was the best way, according to God, who allowed all of this to happen for His own reasons. I know He was rescuing me, from what entirely I’m not sure, but I know for a fact, that my Lord rescued me. I was being led away and swept away by a torrent of sin, both self-inflicted and that which was put upon me by a husband who professed to love me, but could not. He does not love himself, so how could he love me. I loved him, and would have borne it all. But that wasn’t to be. So you see, I’m not a big fan of August. But yesterday, August 1, 2011, something different happened. I got down and dirty with God. So to speak. In my evening prayer time, I got very serious with God. ‘What’s going on here? Are you healing my husband and bringing him back home again, or not? Lord, whatever you say, goes. It’s ok with me. I just need to know!’ I know God is big on wisdom with understanding and that’s what I sought! Fervently.
And I was freed, if only for a matter of time. I sat down with the Bible and opened it, randomly…..the first few verses were as follows:
But the wicked will die. The Lords enemies are like flowers in a field — they will disappear like smoke. Ps. 37:20
I will bless those who have humble & contrite hearts, who tremble at my word. But those who choose their own ways — delighting in their detestable sins — will not have their offerings accepted. Is. 66:2b – 3
I will send them great trouble, all the things they feared. For when I called, they did not answer. When I spoke, they did not listen. They deliberately sinned before my very eyes and chose to do what they know I despise.” Is. 66:4
Then the Lord said to me, “Do not pray for these people anymore.” Jer. 14:11
Say to them, “This is what the Lord, the God is Israel, says: “Cursed is anyone who does not obey the terms of my covenant!” Jer. 11:3
“You have abandoned me and turned your back on me,” says the Lord. “Therefore, I will raise my fist to destroy you. I am tired of always giving you another chance.” Jer. 15:16
They will not conquer you, for I am with you to protect and rescue you. I, the Lord, have spoken. Yes, I will certainly keep you safe from these wicked men. I will rescue you from their cruel hands. Jer. 15:20b, 21
And lastly, one that didn’t fit in with the rest:
For the sake of your reputation Lord, do not abandon us. Do not disgrace your own glorious throne. Please remember us, and do not break your covenant with us. Jer. 14:21
To summarize what we have here were several verses shown to me that said that I am rescued, protected, safe and blessed. No doubt about that! And that my beloved mate, because of his waywardness will be cursed, have fears, trouble, be destroyed and die, which is why I chose to ‘stand in the gap’ for him.
And finally, one verse that seems like us pleading with God to not break covenant with us, to not leave us to our own ways, but help us! Are you keeping score yet? I thought not.
Have to admit that Jeremiah 14:11…brought my jaw dropping open. Oh, I know there are those who say you can’t take a verse out of context. Yeah….yeah, I know. But I also know that God speaks to His children through His Word, and this was one of those times! And sermon after sermon, and devotional after devotional all take verses ‘out of context’. So, its like when you’re all frustrated with life and He shows you, “Be still and know that I am God.” Yeah, out of context, but He was using it for you at that moment, applying His Word to your heart and life for just what you’re going through right now. It’s all good with God. And I’m ok with that. Was God really telling me I no longer had to bother to pray for my one-flesh covenant spouse? What?! Could it be?
I have to tell you I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt freed, at last! I was giddy! I got out my DVD player and turned on my Anthony Evan’s music, to “Could It Be” (lyrics below):
“Could It Be” by Anthony Evans, Jason Ingram
It wasn’t worth it to give myself away They didn’t deserve it but they had all of me I tried to find myself in someone elses eyes A broken heart is all they left behind And now the question that was haunting me Is somehow comforting Could it be everything that I was looking for Could it be everything that I was missing before Could it be everything that I could want and more Is only You Lord Could it be the only one who really satisfies Was always standing here right before my very eyes Could it be You my Lord It felt so perfect I thought I had it all For a moment and then it all went wrong Captivated by the all the lies They used me and left this soul to die And now the question that was haunting me Is all I’m holding I wanted so bad to be loved and to love I wanted so bad that I gave myself up Everything I had it could never be enough Could it be, could it be you.
Man, I love that song! And how so true! Jesus just wanted me to love Him, and walk with Him the way I was meant too. As all children of God are meant to. But how many really do? ALL of Gods Word is to be obeyed, don’t pick and choose which commands fit your lifestyle, wants and needs. It is all to be obeyed. Can you do that?
How surrendered are…you?
So this is where I’m at: Lord, I want to do your will. I want to walk in your way, no matter what you ask of me. My life is for your glory, and my good. Is the question to stand, or not to stand? Stay true to my covenant, or look for loopholes in God’s Word, thereby giving me an easy out? Now I understand all about this ‘childlike’ faith.
Bottom line is, can God do what I’ve asked of Him? We sing about it all the time in church, every Sunday. Are they just words, or do we sing from our hearts, embracing the words and glorifying God with our songs of love and devotion to Him, and Him alone. Does He really have the power to save? The power to heal? The power to restore? Is He not all powerful? Is He not all knowing? Is He not ever present? Barb, you say, it all comes down to this: “How big is your God.” It all comes down to faith like Abraham’s. He knew that God had the power to do what He had promised. Do you? Do I? The Word says if we ‘faint not’, meaning, if we do not give up. If we hold fast. If we stand firm.
And this is the confidence we have……..
Lord, I stand here ready to do your Will. What would YOU have me to do.
Thank you, Lord.